Spring 2010

"Broken hearts lived without oxygen" ,a fact or a fake ,that's what I always wondered but now I am sure that the presence of a dad in a house is not just oxygen it is the pulse of the house and without this tiny beat the heart will die and the house will be buried in the field of sorrow.

YES, my dad fell into coma leaving behind disappointed family in a need for him .On that night my uncles came from Beirut where they settle ,my aunts arrived to support us in this anxiety. My mom was literally broken. I was shocked, a nine- year- old girl is losing her dad and she can't do a single thing!!!!! My sister was depressed, and my brother encountered the most devastating situation in his 4-year-old life .He eye witnessed dad's sickness, he watched the huge tree he used to sit under it and feel safe and secure falling down in front of him .He spoke nothing but his eyes clearly expressed his grief .And the baby in my mother's belly was afraid to come to this world without a father waiting for him, to carry him and provide him tender and care.

After that mistake the hospital did ,my family as a unit decided to take dad to Beirut to a better hospital but at that time dad's condition didn't allow his transportation to the capital but concerning my family's worry the doctor gave the permission to take him to Zahle and there was my first visit to see DAD ,my dad ,my hero .My aunt took me with her ,I entered the hospital with strong heart beats and a tear on my cheeks to turn it into a river of tears at the moment I saw mom sitting in a small room with gloomy eyes and sad look missing her husband ,longing to meet her children .She seemed miserable. Then I couldn't control myself. I hugged mom and tears flow hysterically responding for the heart's will. Dad was in the special care. I entered to see him, to see that strong, brisk, powerful, sharp man lying in a bed with machines in a small closed room, motionless and hopeless and from behind the glass words uttered from my mouth expressing my sadness, "Dad is that you? Dads please answer me? I need you? Don't leave me? I am still young, I need a father? I am crying aren't you seeing me? Do you want me to cry? Dads shout at me but speak, say anything, why do you want to leave? It is early isn't it?............" What shall I say now, a nine-year-old kid spoke those words in a shaky moment but the seventeen-year-old girl in the same shaky moment would say now, "I need a father now more than any moment ever".

At that time, mom was wrecked, grandma was crushed, I plunged into depression for a second and said to myself, "You are losing a dad and you can't do a thing so control your self there are people in a need for you, in a need for your courage." and then I decided that I have to be strong to help mom and take care of my siblings in the absence of both parents.
After twenty one days in Zahle the doctor's saw that dad is in a need to open his throat to exclude the mucus. They did the operation and made a hole in his neck with a tube inserted in it. It was a tough time for us, especially mom and grandma who refused to come home without their soul. Before I used to know that every person has one soul but now it turned to be that one person maybe a soul for a whole family.

The first month passed away without any changes except our sorrow that increased with time. After a month, dad was ready to go to Beirut to a better hospital and better doctors in Lebanon, Yes in Lebanon where such a case didn't receive a help or support from the ministry of health. This case or condition was special, OH YES sarcastically unique. The social insurance dad had before been taken away from him; the financial source of medication was canceled. It seemed that the government had no heart. The taxes and fees of the hospitals were paid by my uncle, the uncle who was bedrock for us.

In Beirut professors came to check on dad they all together decided to operate dad in order to find him a way to eat and drink since his mouth was no more a path for food without the permission of the brain. The second day in the hospital dad performed a surgery to open his stomach with a tube in order to insert in it grinded food and water. Now dad had two HOLES one in his neck (throat) and the other in his stomach, together with, medical treatments and medicines. Doctors there diagnosed his case as an epilepsy seizure. The doctor said that if his eyes were opened he will get relieved. When dad opened his eyes we celebrated, we got hope that our dad is returning to his family and life, but these eyes tricked us. Yep his eyes were opened but his brain was still sleeping. We felt disappointed and hopeless. Here the doctor said that if he yetewab or sneeze is a good significant for dad's recovery. Dad tewab and sneezed and we were very excited waiting for dad to speak to us and answer us but here we fell into the trap again. We were dissatisfied and broken the hope dissolved in the river of grief. These three months were deceiving; they carried for us disappointment and sadness. The doctor then said for us after making X-rays that dad's brain was working 2 % only and his brain cells were dead without being renewable. His brain was dead but his heart refused to leave behind broken hearts, his brain stopped thinking of us but his heart rejected to stop feeling us around him, denied the idea of passing away without saying goodbye, how shall this heart stop beating and there is people living from this beat, how shall this heart sleep and the eyes are still open looking at his children, wife, and family? The heart was with us and he still here but his brain left us living in a tragedy.

The summer finished and autumn was on the doors, the schools season arrived and we didn't feel the vacation. We had to return to baalbeck to our house and to our schools but dad couldn't come with us. He had to stay in Beirut. That was the first time we leave dad, the first time we feel alone and broken. We reluctantly came here and every weekend the pregnant wife and the poor children take a van and go to the hospital that is keeping their dad away from them .That how our life changed, from a normal life to a life crammed with sickness and built in hospitals. It was a total mess.
As for my mom, or what I call The Ideal Mom, or The Iron Women, it was a tragedy for her, from safe and secure modern life to a dramatically fearful life.

She had to take care of her 3 children and that in her belly, that kid that is going to see the lights of this life turned off, the lights won't shine his birth, only a dad next to him can lighten up its day. It was a huge responsibility for her; she had to manage between taking care of her kids and between taking care o f her husband ignoring herself as a superior need in our lives, her children. What can I say? This is destiny and this is faith, so we have to accept it and try our best to live our lives after destiny judged us. It was hard for us to stand up again after this loss, but eventually we have to manage living in this condition. Fortunately, our mom was unique, she chose to stay by the side of her children and husband instead of leaving them, she took this decision to stay with us, support her husband and his family, raise her children well in order to make it up on her some day. She suffered a lot in this mission that destiny surprised her with. Dad stayed seven month in Beirut and we stayed seven month away from a dad. We endured very hard situations but with the help of mom the women that showed great courage and bravery, perfection and idealism, with the help of my uncles who supported us and stood a heroic stand next to us ,they helped us surpass this crisis financially and emotionally, they recompensed the loss of father on us. These seven months passed very slowly and full of pain especially on his mother, grandma, she is losing her son, a piece of her, the person she exerted a great effort to raise him and after 34 years he is leaving her without any explanation, same for his wife who thought that she will live happily ever after but it seemed that life has surprises.